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It’s All About Me!!!

December 6, 2013

We have all heard the question in different forms. “What is the number one problem that married couples face?”  This answer varies among experts.  Many individuals say the answer depends on the situation that the couple is going though. Others say it is communication, trust, or time spent together.  While all of these issues are a part of our marriage difficulties, there is still a much deeper problem that lies beneath the surface. According to some experts, “Selfishness” is the greatest problem hindering marriages!

As I think about whether selfishness is the core of most marriage problems, I must agree that it ranks at the top.  Mankind has always had a huge problem with selfishness.  When we were very young our favorite words were “That is mine!” or “Give me, give me”

Today these words are a huge part of our live, but said differently.  Deep down we say, “I want it my way!”  Remember when you found that someone who would make you feel all tingly and they were always on your mind.  That person probably said things like “I will do anything for you” “I will give you my life” and we swallowed it hook line and sinker.  We were caught and we were in love.  Our words are easy to say, but hard to keep.  Listen! We are by nature selfish and believe that getting what we want is what life is about.  Marriage is not 50-50 but 100-100.  It is all or nothing.  If you are not willing to give your whole life to your spouse then you had better do some hard thinking.   

We must ask ourselves, “Could this little word selfishness rule most of my life?  Is it really a major part of my life today?”  The honest answer comes echoing back, “Yes it is a major part of all of our lives, and it is not going away by itself!”

The next question we ask ourselves is “How do I get rid of selfishness?”   If you are like most people you could say, “Just get over it!”  Now that really solved the problem, didn’t it?  Remember what Proverbs 30:15 says “The leech has two daughters “Give! Give! They cry.”

 Here are some steps to take control of your selfishness 

1. If you really want to get well you must admit that you have a problem.  Many people go through life emotionally sick and blaming their problems on other people.  You must admit you have a problem and be willing to turn your life around.   

2. We must be willing to get to the root of the problem and deal with it.  After you have admitted you have a problem you must do something about it. Just deciding to pray to God and ask Him to remove it does not work. God will help you but he expects you to take control of your actions and do something about the problem.  I think that’s called work!!!  Selfishness is an area we all battle with. The truth is we are all selfish from birth!!  We never get over it.  We are so selfish that many times we expect our desires to be met before meeting the needs of our partner. It’s all because of self-centeredness.

3. We must have love. Many people do not show love in their marriage.  Some partners have never loved their spouses. Other stopped loving their spouses a long time ago, but their behavior shows great evidence of self love. Many confess that they do not love God. The two most important commands in scripture are “Love God with all your might and love your neighbors as yourself.”  When we love God and show love to our spouse, selfishness begins to take a backseat.   We shouldn’t always be thinking about ourselves and only what we need!  We should walk in love, unselfishly thinking of others and their needs more than our own. When we walk in love and bless others, we can expect God to take care of our needs.  Don’t squeeze the life out of your marriage by always seeking to get and never give.   Jesus gave his life for us!  What can we give for him?   Does our spouse expect love from us?  I hope you answered Yes.  Then what are your waiting for?  If you neglect your marriage it will go away!

Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get–only with what you are expecting to give–which is everything.
– Anonymous

Ron Smart: Christian Life Coach

The Bridge Counseling and Coaching

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